Go Coach Yourself!

Control the Controllables

• Ryan Reichert-Estes, CPCC and Vic Smith, CPCC • Season 1 • Episode 21

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In this episode of 'Go Coach Yourself!' Vic and Ryan discuss the importance of focusing on what you can control in life, using tools and frameworks like the Circle of Control and the Locus of Control. They explore how misplacing energy on uncontrollable factors leads to stress and inefficiency, sharing personal stories to illustrate their points. The episode emphasizes the value of controlling your thoughts and actions to improve well-being and productivity, and provides practical tips for listeners on how to identify and focus on controllable areas of their lives.

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Hosts:

Ryan Reichert-Estes, StackRise Coaching | LinkedIn | Insta: @stackrisecoaching

Vic Smith, WhistleSmith.co | LinkedIn | Insta: @vic_bk

Ryan:

Hey Vic, I know you're a Liverpool fan, so how are they doing this season?

Vic:

Oh yeah, you know, uh, so far we're just like five games into the season, second in the league, so not too bad.

Ryan:

Nice. Nice. How are you feeling about the chances overall?

Vic:

know, I have this thing with my friend Paul, who is also a Liverpool supporter, and he always says like about five or six games in, he's like, we've got a good chance of winning the league. And I'm always a bit more realistic, like I hedge my bets. I'm like a typical Liverpool fan from Liverpool, you know, I'm like, come on, like you can do better. Um, but it always surprises me because I think the wheels come off mid season, pretty much every season. And so Paul and I spent all this time talking about it, hours and hours discussing the performance of these 11 men on the pitch and how the manager isn't playing them the way they should do and how our recent signings aren't what we think. And so it wasn't as good as they used to be. Um, you know, we're just like willing them to play well.

Ryan:

If only you can control the outcome.

Vic:

Oh my god, if only we'd win the league every time.

Ryan:

Welcome to another episode of Go Coach Yourself, a podcast to help you get unfucked and build the incredible life you deserve. We're Vic and Ryan, two certified coaches trying to change the world one conversation at a time. So Vic, what are we talking about today?

Vic:

Today we're talking about how you focus on what you can control and do not put energy on things that are outside of your control.

Ryan:

Oh, like that is such a struggle. Like how much time do we lose to worrying about things that we have no control over, even though our minds somehow believe that if we think about it long enough, we can somehow manage to control them.

Vic:

Oh my God. Yes. Or worse. We spend so much time on other things we can't control that we miss out on the opportunities to control the things we can.

Ryan:

Yes, a hundred percent. Okay. So how are we going to tackle this topic today?

Vic:

Okay. So first we're going to look at what do we mean by the things you can control? And I've got a handy little tool here that helps us to work through what you can control, what you can't. Then we're going to look at what happens when we try to control things that are outside of our control. And then we'll share a couple of personal stories and then close out as usual with our top tips. Sound good?

Ryan:

That sounds great. Okay. Let's get started.

Vic:

So I saw this quote the other day that says, you can only control two things on planet earth, your thoughts and your actions. That is it. Your thoughts and your actions. Now, whilst I know this to be true, it did actually make me stop and think. Because like, what a succinct way to put it. And I was chatting with a friend recently who was going through a change at work. And they were talking through their narrative on it. You know, as kind of you do when you're chatting out with a friend over a coffee or whatever. And their focus was all on the other person. Why they weren't doing what they should be doing. How they could get them to do what they should be doing. How could they get their manager to see this person wasn't doing what they should be doing. And I said in the moment, you cannot control what someone else does. You can only control how you respond to it. And right now, your response is to get worked up about it, to try and control things that are totally out of your control. You cannot control that person's behavior. You can only control how you react to it.

Ryan:

Hmm. Yeah, that is very, very true. And that makes me think of the saboteur episode that we did a while back. Um, Because I would hazard a guess that the person you were talking to was probably like giving themselves some internal support by saying something like this has to be a certain way. And if this person messes it up, they're going to ruin it, which is the controller saboteur, or something that sounds more like, you know, I'm going to be concerned about this because then I can mitigate all the things that might happen and make sure it goes just the way it should, which I mean, hypervigilance Saboteur right there. I bring this up because I know when I experienced this kind of spin, whether it's me or someone else that I'm helping with it, there's usually a quote unquote good excuse for it. So it's often helpful for me to check in and say, okay, is there some saboteur here in terms of what I'm putting energy behind? Like, what's the motivation for it?

Vic:

Oh my gosh, yes. And I think there's like a nuance here that I want to make sure, we point out this distinction. In that, we can't often control. Our initial emotions or reactions and so, you know, when the saboteur comes in, they're coming, whether we want them to or not. Right. And Viktor Frankl, we've covered him before. He talks about this power of making the moments between the stimulus, like the thing that happens. and our response to it longer. And this allows us to respond in a way that's more in keeping with how we want to versus our instincts kicking in and their flight or fight response. And so whilst we often cannot control the initial emotion or reaction, we can control how we think about it and respond to it. So we can tell that saboteur to take a back seat.

Ryan:

yes, yes. Okay. So what you're saying is that. We control what we choose to think, and how we choose to act. And sometimes that action is about managing that response to an emotion or feeling, but that may be something that we don't have control of over itself.

Vic:

Yes, exactly.

Ryan:

Got it. Damn emotions. Making life so hard. Alright, so this actually, now that we're here, reminds me of a concept that I really love. This idea of the locus of control. Can we take a few minutes to talk about that next?

Vic:

Yes.

Ryan:

So back in 1966, Julian B. Rotter, an American psychologist was doing some research into social theory. And he introduced this concept of the locus of control. This is essentially about the extent to which you believe external or internal forces have an influence over your life and the events in them. So if you have an external locus of control, you tend to think that things like fate, or luck, or God, or chance, or other people are responsible for the direction that your life is going. In contrast, if you have an internal locus of control, you tend to think that you're in control and in charge of the outcomes that you're experiencing. Now, interestingly, this can entirely depend on the situation. So you might have an internal locus of control about your career while also having an external locus of control mindset about your family life you're not purely only an internal locus or external locus. Thinker in all instances.

Vic:

I think that, you know, if listeners want to take this a little further, rotter devised an assessment that you can take to determine internal versus external. We'll link to that in the show notes. And, as with any assessments, it's the information you put in and how you interpret what comes out. This isn't a Fixed thing. It's not a one size all. It's not a this is who you are in every single moment.

Ryan:

Yeah.

Vic:

All right. One of the things I find fascinating, about this is that when you read around the subject, this can show up in so many different ways. You know, from that windfall came to me because the fates were looking down on me, to I didn't get that job because Bob from finance doesn't like me. So it can be anything external, like a person, an entity, an inanimate object. Alternatively, it can be I have to do this on my own. I am responsible for this and no one is going to help me. And therefore, if someone doesn't have the experience, the partner, the life they want, it's on them. They have the power to change it. And so the important thing here is, neither is right or wrong. It just yields different outcomes. You know, this is about a narrative, an outlook on life, a mindset that drives how you see the world.

Ryan:

Hmm. A thousand percent. So for example, there was this study that showed that the perception that 10 year old kids have of their level of agency has actually been shown to significantly predict their health outcomes in their thirties, including things like obesity, general overall health, those kids that had a more internal locus of control had a reduced risk of poor health later on in life. So an internal locus of control is associated with psychological well being, academic success, and professional success as well.

Vic:

It's all in the mindset. No one is coming to save us. We have to do it ourselves.

Ryan:

Absolutely. Now, it's important to note here that each preference, whether it's internal or external, has both a positive and potentially negative impact, as I think we've been referring to. An external locus of control might mean that you don't take things super personally, you can allow things to be let go more easily, um, however it also can lead to believing that the world is against you or potentially result in avoidance of responsibility for the things that you do have control over. Meanwhile, an internal locus of control might allow you to figure things out for yourself and to move things forward in a way that feels productive but it can also result in getting stuck in your own head or being hard on yourself because you see any challenge that arises as being somehow your fault.

Vic:

Yeah, that's true. Like, it's both and versus one being better than the other. And what I will say is that whether you have an internal or an external locus of control, you are still responsible and have full control. Over your thoughts and actions.

Ryan:

Perfect. Okay. So locus of control makes me think of circles and spheres. So let's talk about the. Circle or sphere next.

Vic:

Mmm. Okay. So I imagine people are listening to this while they're on the move. And so, I want to paint a visual picture of what this model looks like. Side note, by the way. I kind of love the feedback that we've been getting on the pod. And it gives me a kick when people share how they listen to it. You know, like, I'm listening to it on my way to work. Or, I'm listening to it whilst I'm doing chores around the house. You know, while I'm doing the laundry. Or, I'm listening to it while I'm working out. It's like, so cool!

Ryan:

That is really cool. And it's, it's humbling to think that our listeners, you people listening are not you people, you people.

Vic:

You people!

Ryan:

Uh, that is really cool. And also really humbling to think that you, our listeners are choosing to spend this time with us. And in so many different contexts, I really appreciate it. Um, and then, you know, while we're on this little tangent. There's a part of me that's also thinking about this episode from Barry, this show on HBO by Bill Hader. This character is criticizing a podcast that he listens to notably in a time that it's like, this is not the time kind of scene because he they're talking about gadgets on the podcast and he's all upset about it because he can't see it because it's just audio. So the guy that runs the podcast, who's a cameo by Guillermo del Toro says, But that's why we have YouTube as well. So of course you describing the worksheet right now is great for anybody who can't see it. Um, but I also want to acknowledge that one person out there that I know downloaded it before they were listening. And like, just to let you know, we love, we love you too.

Vic:

Yes! 100 percent They've downloaded the guide and they're literally sat with it in front of them right now. And so,

Ryan:

Thinking, please, please, please

Vic:

yes!

Ryan:

tell me what this is.

Vic:

Okay. So this tool that we're introducing today is something you can use to get yourself unstuck to work through a problem or to devise a plan moving forward. And it's called the circle of control. Some people might call it the sphere of influence or the circle of concern. Whatever you call it, it's all about circles. And so first off, it looks like three circles. All nested within each other. They're three different sizes. It's a small circle inside a medium circle inside a larger circle.

Ryan:

And then starting from the outside circle, the biggest one of the three, this is the circle of concern. So this is all about the things that you're concerned about. They've got an impact on your life or on your team. However, you don't have any control input or influence over these things. They happen to you kind of like the weather.

Vic:

The middle or the medium circle is the circle of influence. And this contains all the things that you don't have direct control over. However, you can influence them. And so, you might be asked for your input, or you might have a way to share your viewpoint. You can influence, however, you do not control.

Ryan:

And then the smallest circle, the third one, is the circle of control. This is where you're in full control, you're in charge, you make the decision, the choice is 100 percent yours. You might invite other people in or seek different opinions, but ultimately the control is yours here.

Vic:

Okay, so you have these three circles, concepts, categories, whatever you want to call them. And the way that you would use this tool is like this. You would start by spending some time thinking about the situation you're in. You might ask yourself some of the following questions. What is happening? Who is involved? Why am I thinking about it? What are the key issues to be addressed? What do I care about most? What am I excited about? What am I worried about?

Ryan:

Then once you've done some of that reflection, list out all the things that you're concerned about, all the things you're worried about, excited about, unsure about, make a list, spend some time to just literally put as many things there as you can, because this is where you're going to get to the bottom of anything that might not be super clear quite yet.

Vic:

And then, you draw out the three circles, or use the tool that we've attached in the show notes, and you start to plot things in those circles. So, what are the things that you're concerned about? but have no influence or control over. You write those down in the big circle. What are you concerned about and have influence in but not control over? They go in the medium circle. And then what is fully within your control? That sits in the inside smaller circle.

Ryan:

The thing that's so important about this is that it helps you to see where you should put your energy. And where you shouldn't. So a hundred percent of your energy should be focused on those two inner circles, the circle of influence and the circle of control. And about 85 to 90 percent of that should actually be fully in that smaller circle, the circle of control.

Vic:

100 percent Don't be wasting time anywhere else. The final step is to look at the circle of influence and the circle of control and make a plan to ensure you get maximum output here. How can you be as effective as possible with your actions to really lean in to those areas where you have influence or control?

Ryan:

And notably spending any time in that circle of concern, the big one beyond simply identifying that you're unable to control or influence any of those things is a hundred percent wasted energy, especially if you find yourself rehashing the past focused on things that you should have said or done.

Vic:

Mm. Agreed. And that point about rehashing reminds me of the research paper that the Center for Creative Leadership released in 2020. It was around the time that we were grappling with the impact of COVID and they talked about the debilitating notion of rumination and how it leads to stress and burnout. Now we're not going to go deep here on this article. I'm going to put it in the, in the show notes, but essentially it covers the idea that the energy we expend. Thinking about the past, things that we can't change, or the future that hasn't happened yet, takes away from the energy that we could be putting into the present.

Ryan:

Yeah. And the four tips that they gave, I thought were really useful as well. So those were wake up, uh, Focusing on the present, not the past or future. Like you just said, it's like really good mindfulness practice. Control your attention. So train your mind to focus consciously. The third is detach. Take time away to maintain perspective. And finally let go moving on from any of those negative thoughts.

Vic:

Mm, so much good stuff in this space. Ryan, do you have a story that you might share here on focusing on control and the controllables? Mmm.

Ryan:

Yeah, a couple come to mind and that notion of ruminationrumination spoke to me very strongly. Um, you know, especially if I think back over the last four to five years, So back in 2019, 2020, Christopher and I were building a new house in Hillsborough. And this was, of course, before we realized that, you know, three years later we'd be living abroad someplace entirely different. There was someone involved in that process who was honestly really difficult to work with neither Christopher or I could ever seem to quite get working with them, right. They consistently didn't listen to us and made excuses every time some little thing came along, like zero accountability there to the point that I remember at the beginning, they actually said, okay, now remember, things are going to go wrong along this process, which I get like, I'm a reasonable person. It's a big, complicated project, but then anytime anything happened. They were like, Oh, well, don't, don't forget. We said at the beginning that things are going to go wrong. So just really annoying. And so as a result of this, we ended up spending a lot of time discussing and processing at home, like how things were going. And I remember at one point we actually shared concerns that we had with the team and they just, Totally shrugged off what we had said to them and it was really dismissive. So I'm sure as you can imagine that then led to even more processing and rehashing at home. Eventually we, we just had to stop. And so we just kind of said, Hey, we're going to move forward with as little interaction as possible unless something catastrophic happens and just wait for the house to be finished. So it was not a great experience, but. In the end, we had this amazing home that we were super excited about, and we actually then shared feedback at the end of the process formally, uh, because they asked for it. And the best part is that I was completely honest and this person was totally surprised. Like completely floored. Yeah, like they had no recollection of this or any understanding, but, you know, the outcome would have likely been the same, like they would have still been surprised, even had we not spent all of those hours and hours of our lives, like rehashing what was going on after the fact that person may not may have. Done those things, but they didn't force us to spend our time that way. Like we chose to do that. So since then, the one thing that I can say that we've gained from the experience is knowing what it feels like to be stuck in that like wheel of rumination. Uh, and so the awareness that we have now, I think helps us recognize it when it's happening again with other potential things. Um, Spanish taxes, I'm looking at you. And, uh, and really though it helps. It's like that moment that you talked about earlier. It helps create that moment of pause where it's like, okay, what's going on? And is there an opportunity for us to shift perspective here?

Vic:

Mmm. Yeah, so there's a couple of things I love about that and the first is that, we often get in this, Cycle of rumination, don't we? I can imagine you and Christopher so excited about this,. And then just this like constant niggle that you're, constantly discussing, at those moments you get sick of hearing yourself. Do you know what I mean? You get sick of that conversation, right? It's like, Oh my gosh. But I love the, it now gives you the perspective to see that. When it's happening, and you can almost like stop it earlier, and you know, kind of look for a different perspective. Thank you for sharing that story.

Ryan:

For sure.

Vic:

I'd share an example. I remember doing a project at work and feeling totally out of control. I was in quite a senior position and it was a project that was kind of cross departmental, everybody had a finger in it and my team owned it. But we really didn't, and we were leading it, but another VP was desperate to direct it. My team had done a ton of work on it, but it was being undermined. It was just like a hot mess. And I remember having a conversation with my leader and saying, how am I supposed to manage this? Like I'm being pulled in several different directions. I'm having to manage my team's expectations. It's a huge project. I want to make sure we get it right. Literally impacted every single employee at the organization. And so I said, what advice can you give me? And I remember him saying to me, Look, you're not in control of everything here that you think you are. And you have to get clear on what you are in control of. And he literally gave me the Circle of Concern spiel. Which I can tell you works. We wouldn't be using it here as an exercise if we hadn't used it regularly. Um, you know, but I took some time to sit down with it and I realized that there was a bunch of things that sat in the circle of concern that I was trying to influence. And a load of things in the circle of influence that I was trying to control. And it was just this real eye opener. I went back to him the next day and I said, Okay, here's where my team and I are putting our focus. Here's what we're no longer going to get involved in. And here's where I want to be included to have an influence interestingly, his view on a few things was different to mine. You know, there was an area that I thought I influenced and he was like, Hmm, you control that. Or an area where, I was concerned and he was like, Hey, you're concerned, but you own it. And so fix it and so it just kind of helped for us to have this. This debate and dialogue around what was some of the things frustrating me and my team and how could we get through with it, you know, so I was able to meet with my team and get super clear on where we were headed and what we were and weren't going to do. Oh my God, I slept so well that night. Like I can remember the sleep now as I think back on it. You know, I'd spent so much time thinking about how do I make this thing happen when, if I was truly honest, it was something I had absolutely no control over.

Ryan:

I, uh, I really, really appreciate a few things that you shared in there. First off is like the fact that you're illustrating that asking for help in that space and then almost dialoguing it with another person really helps even further that clarity more. So I like the idea that this isn't just a like you have to do it yourself exercise too. You can, you can share it with someone. Also then the process of naming it and actually getting really clear or giving voice to it. Uh, and I think we've talked about this before, but like taking the time to write something down or to speak it out loud, helps to shift the power dynamic that we're feeling. Uh, and then finally, you know, just this mindset that all of that stress impacts us and perhaps even to the point that in the moment you weren't even fully aware of the impact it was having on your sleep. I'm sure you were like, yeah, I don't feel great. But the the idea then that you let it go and could release it and it just completely had that positive impact on you know, what that sleep felt like that you can feel it today.

Vic:

Oh, so freeing.

Ryan:

yes, yes,

Vic:

All right, so let's wrap this up with some tips. First off, I want to reiterate, you can only control two things, your thoughts and your actions.

Ryan:

absolutely. Yeah. Second tip, think about your locus of control. Take the assessment that we linked to in the show notes to see whether or not you tend to have an internal or external locus of control. Take some time to reflect on it and think about how that helps you show up in the mindset that you're using as you think through your narrative.

Vic:

And lastly, use the circle of control tool that we're linking to in the show notes. Take time when you're feeling stuck to determine what do you actually control. What can you influence? And what should you let go? Because you have no control and so it's wasted energy.

Ryan:

All right. So that's us and our take on how to control the controllable. We hope you found some value in this episode here and we'll share it with others if you see them getting stuck or ruminating. We're Ryan and Vic. And thanks for joining us on Go Coach Yourself.

Vic:

See you later!

Ryan:

Take care of everyone. Ah got it. Okay Like that is seriously such a struggle. Like how much time do we waste spending thing? Why am

Vic:

You've had to give that too much thought. You've had

Ryan:

Yeah, that was way too much thought.

Vic:

It was yeah. Ha

Ryan:

Okay. This is obviously where the magic of outtakes is created.

People on this episode

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Ryan Reichert-Estes, CPCC

Co-host
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Vic Smith, CPCC

Co-host